“My name’s [Cody] and I’m just like you, except I have one huge ass secret… sometimes I feel like I’m stuck on a Ferris wheel. One minute I’m on top of the world, then the next I’m at rock-bottom. I’ve been thinking about why I haven’t come out yet. Maybe part of me wants to hold onto who’ve I’ve always been, just a little longer. No matter what, who you are to the world is pretty terrifying because what if the world doesn’t like you?…” -Love, Simon (if you haven’t seen this movie yet, you should)
First of all, I want to apologize to anyone who may be hurt that I didn’t tell you this in person. A good portion of my friends and family already know but I’ve never officially come out and said it and I’m not too good at saying stuff like this out loud. Hence, the blog post.
I’m… I’m… well, let’s just say I don’t like labels. I mean, yah, I like guys (I mean… what straight guy posts that much about Niall Horan?). But at the same time, I like girls too. I think the first time I knew I was different was when I told my sister that Nick Carter from the Backstreet Boys was cute. HAHA! Oh the 90’s. And how back in the day my cousins Bridget, Irie, my sister and I would belt out Lady Marmalade. (I would fight Bridget to do Christina Aguilera’s part.) I could go on and on with the stories.
I’m still a child of God. I’m still me. I’m still Cody. Yes, I believe in the church and yes I’m still going to try my best to read my scriptures, pray and attend church. The battle is real but I believe fighting the battle is going to be easier having this off my chest. I don’t know what my future holds but I know that it can only go up from here.
Any who… on a more depressing note and the reason why I finally need to get this off my chest… I’m tired of countless nights crying myself to sleep. I’m tired of holding my breath. I’m tired of feeling like I’m suffocating. I’m tired of feeling so alone while sitting in a room full of people. I’m not sure what else to write, so I’ll end with a conversation Simon had with his mom in Love, Simon that really struck a chord with me.
Simon: Did you know?
Emily: I knew you had a secret. But when you were little you were so carefree. But these last few years more and more it’s almost like I can feel you holding your breath. I wanted to ask you about it, but I didn’t want to pry. Maybe I made a mistake.
Simon: No. No mom, you didn’t make a mistake.
Emily: Being gay is your thing. There are parts of it you have to go through alone. I hate that. As soon as you came out you said, “Mom, I’m still me.” I need you to hear this: You are still you, Simon. You are still the same son who I love to tease and who your father depends on for just about everything. And you’re the same brother who always complements his sister on her food, even when it sucks. You get to exhale now, Simon [Cody]. You get to be more you than you have been in, in a very long time. You deserve everything you want.
Thank you for reading!